Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A Letter of Bitterness

moving on

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you realize that for SO long you have been wanting something that would be so wrong for you? I had one of those moments today and I am so very thankful for it. I'll delve a little deeper into the subject. For several years now I have been crushing on this guy, thinking we were so perfect for each other. I met him at church, so that must mean he is this stand-up, flawless, Christian guy, right? I mean he taught a class for goodness' sake. Well, today, I found out I was mistaken. I was mislead by his leadership and his judgement towards others. Let me just say, it's difficult to just let hypocrisy slide. When I learned what I did today, I honestly felt like crying. Not only because I am disappointed in him, but also because I am disappointed in myself. All these years I have placed him on this high, untouchable pedestal. I thought he was far too good for me...that I didn't deserve someone as righteous and wonderful as him. I am not going to lie -my heart literally hurt to hear the news that he isn't whom I have imagined him to be all this time. I have believed him to be better than me, so much closer to God. It definitely isn't easy when someone you look up too disappoints you.


All these years, I've been too afraid to tell him how I felt. I've feared it would jeopardize our "friendship". Today I realized, we honestly have no "friendship". You can't very well call someone you haven't had a real conversation with in 3 years a friend, can you? I no longer believe him to be too good for me. We are equals, as all humans are. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and to my knowledge...everyone sins. That doesn't make it okay. That doesn't give you an excuse to just live however you want because, oh, well, everyone does it. NO. But, that being said, everyone does do bad things from time to time, so we cannot judge each other for what we do.

But when I am faced with such a blunt case of hypocrisy, I cannot pretend it doesn't hurt. I know I sound very judgmental tonight, and I honestly don't mean to. I just really need to get this off my chest.

Anyways, I'm not sure if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation, or if this is just me. But I wanted to share this because, as of today, I am officially ready to let go and move on. At this moment, I am okay with the fact that we may never speak again. I've always had him in the back of my mind, like a ghost that haunts me when I'm lonely. I always felt like we'd be together one day, but now I'm done with him. As NeedtoBreathe so perfectly put it,

 "And on to something new...it's long and overdue. I will remember you."
Moving on.
I will likely never forget our childhood memories together, but now we are two completely different people. I am letting go and saying goodbye. Take care of yourself. 

26 lovely notes:

Jenny said...

I'm very proud of you, sister. You've given this d-bag power over you for waaaay too long. There's someone perfect for you out there, someone much better than him. Put all this in the rear-view mirror and move forward. I'm thankful for and excited for the new Jessica!

Jessica said...

Thank you! Yes, it is past time for me to say goodbye to him. I'm ready for better things ahead.

Niken said...

i think we know when it's wrong after it felt 'like' it's right. then we can realize that it's not right. you're a strong girl and i'm proud of you, you can walk out from that judgement. it hurts worse when someone we look up disappoint us - you're so right in there. but i know, you'll forgive and let go and you'll be okay. chin up!

Jessica said...

Aw, thanks Niken! I really appreciate the encouragement! :) Hope you have a great day.

Melissa88Senick said...

Goes to show that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes what we have planned out isn't the divine plan that is really meant for us. Great blog.

Have a good weekend

southerngirllivingthecitydream.blogspot.com

Niken said...

you're welcome :)
i know you can make it!

Niken said...

Oh, one more thing. I'm looking for your contact page but i can't find it. can you send me your email address?

Jessica said...

Yes! My pages got deleted...and it won't let me re-add them. :( jessicaleighbain@yahoo.com

Jessica said...

Thanks, Melissa! You are definitely right. More times than not, when we have our lives planned out on our own, something is bound to change!

Natalie said...

Hey Jessica! Thanks for following along with my blog, I'm looking forward to doing the same =) Definitely can relate to this sort of thing, but really the best thing to do (like you said) is let it go and let time heal the wound a bit.

Jessica said...

Thanks, Natalie! Yes...It can be so hard to let go sometimes. But it is the best thing to do. :) I absolutely love your blog!! Thanks for checking mine out!

Alexandra Anne said...

Hey! Thanks for stopping by This Journey of Journeys.
Oh goodness, I know exactly what this is like...it's so hard. But God brought you this knowledge for a reason, so, He will guide you in the moving on process :)
Btw, I was homeschooled too! I'm headed off to college fulltime now. I'd love to get to know you better!

Jessica said...

Aw, thank you for the encouragement! Really?? That's awesome! Do you know what your major is going to be?? I would love to get to know you better as well. I love making blog friends! :)

Amy said...

I know how you feel, I decided today to let go of someone too. It's rough searching for that right person! At least for me it can be, haha. But I definitely rest assured trusting that the Lord has a perfect plan for me, and will guide me to the right person in His perfect timing. Thanks for sharing girl! Good for you for letting go and moving on. It's not always easy to do!

Jessica said...

Thank you for your sweet comment, Amy! :) It definitely isn't easy, but sometimes it is necessary. I know that God does have someone out there for me! It's just hard to remember that it will happen in His timing, not mine! Thank you for checking out my blog! :)

Elizabeth @ Love Is the Adventure said...

Wow, that's a lot of pain. I have felt something like this myself and it was absolutely crushing. This is such an honest and vulnerable post and I'm so honored to be able to read it.

I am thanking God for this moment of LIBERATION that you've had! As painful as I know it must be, I am so glad to hear that God is freeing up your heart in order to give you something more amazing than you can even believe is possible. And I am trusting that He IS going to do that for you. You are His precious child, His prized creation and He has plans and thoughts and dreams for you! Time sometimes seems like God's most complicated gift because when we want more of it, it seems to go so fast and when we're tired of waiting, it seems like we'll be waiting forever. I am praying that God blesses you with exactly the right amount of time, to wait, to not wait, whatever. I am rejoicing with you in this brand new freedom you've been given to move on, to change, to experience joy and life in a new way without the burden of this guy.

At the same time, I'm glad you're able to write about this. I know sometimes I'm quick to bulldoze over my feelings of hurt and disappointment by just saying, "oh, well, that obviously wasn't God plan!" but I don't think that's what God intends. I think about the Psalms where people have written down their laments, their hurt, their fear, their loneliness and they've offered that to God. I think it's so healthy and smart to take real stock of your feelings and to take care of your heart in whatever way you need to. I think pain and heartbreak makes us more understanding of the suffering of others and it strengthens us. It's okay to be sad. It's a good thing. It means you care. It means you haven't been so hardened by the outside world that you can't deeply feel things.

Sorry for the novel...this really touched me.

Jessica said...

Hi Elizabeth! I want to thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. It literally brought tears to my eyes. This situation has been difficult, but with the support I am receiving from other bloggers, I know I will get through it. It's absolutely crazy that I've never met you guys, but you have all sincerely touched my heart more than you could know. I appreciate it so much! Thank you! I almost deleted this post because I felt it was so judgmental. I am aware that I have made many mistakes in my life, and I am sure I have disappointed people before. But I think writing down my honest feelings have helped me move on! I feel like a massive burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Again, thank you so much for checking out my blog, and leaving such an encouraging comment. :)

Melissa88Senick said...

Love your blog. I nominated you for a blogging award. Check out my page for details. :)

southerngirllivingthecitydream.blogspot.com

Kristin said...

My heart aches in your pain, but what a blessing that God has given you so much clarity on the situation. Thank you for sharing, especially something so personal.

Jessica said...

Thank you, Kristin! I am feeling so much better about it now. :)

Britt said...

Hey Jessica- just wanted to let you know I awarded you over on my blog. Here is the link- http://encouragementforeverydaystruggles.blogspot.com/2012/08/award-from-hannah.html

What a great post- such heart felt words. Thank you for sharing your heart :)

Jessica said...

Thank you so much, Britt! It has been truly a blessing to have such sweet blogger friends in this difficult time. And thank you so much for the award!! :)

Kaitlin said...

Wow - this was beautifully written, Jessica, and so heartfelt! I, too, have been struggling with bitterness with a former friendship. As you said, we just need to let go and move on. But it's never that easy, unfortunately! I'm learning to surrender my bitterness and hurt to God daily, because it is only through Christ I can be made new. And thanks for checking out my blog - I'm following yours now!

Jessica said...

Thanks for such a nice comment, Kaitlin! :) It is SO much easier to say I'm letting go, than to actually follow through and say goodbye...but sometimes it is the absolute best thing to do. Thanks for following my blog also!

Autumn said...

It is hard when people don't meet our expectations or sometimes the life we make for them when we love them.

Jessica said...

Very, very true. I always put people on a pedestal, and then I'm hurt when they aren't who I hoped. Not a good habit at all!