Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Lately the weather has been so bipolar...and consequently so have I.

Today, I've been having one of those "I am good for nothing", mopey, feel sorry for yourself kinda days. I woke up at 5:30, on my first off day I might add, with a heavy heart. I don't really know what brought this cloud of negativity over me...it could be the freezing rain we've had for about 4 days straight, the fact that living at home with my parents allows NO solitude, or that my sister had to drive my car to work today, leaving me stuck to spend the entire day at home, thinking all about my troubles. But I really do feel like Eeyore today. And that's never a good thing. 

I have been down about being alone. Oh, what a giant shocker, I know. Some days, I am perfectly content being single. Okay, that's not entirely true. But seriously, there are days when it's no big deal. Lately, it's been a big deal. I realized today, while having a philosophical freak out, that I never intended to still be single at this point. All of my life's decisions were made with a husband and future family in mind. I never thought that my career would be my entire life. I thought it would be something I did on the side, just to help support my lovely family, waiting for me at home. Well, that just isn't the case. Don't get me wrong, I like my job. But the thought of it being the only thing I get up for in the morning for the rest of my life is NOT making it any easier to sleep at night. I am young, I know. I've heard that a billion times. It's just hard when everyone I know is married or engaged, and then there's me.

I have been down about who I surround myself with. My "friends" are really not friends at all. I am so desperate for Christian fellowship. Other young people, trying to live in a healthy and Godly way. People who are also striving to do right, in a society where wrong is applauded. Where are these people? Everyone I know says they are my friend, but all they want to do is talk about sex, drinking, partying and make fun of me for not doing these things? Friends don't do that, do they? 

I have been praying about all of the above, but it still can feel so lonely.

I am sorry for this negative post. I am hoping that the sun might shine tomorrow, just for a minute. I am in desperate need of a little brightness.

20 lovely notes:

Niken said...

oh Jess,
i hope you'll feel better soon. but know that, when that someone comes, you'll be really ready for him and he's ready for you. you're a nice, smart, kind, bright girl and any guy will be really lucky to have you. and i know what you're talking about people make fun of us who don't party, drink and talk about sex. trust me. i know. but i'm just "what the hell?" they can be as cool as they think are. stand your ground. I'm here if you need to talk

Niken said...

btw i'm an ISTJ according to test. hhaa.

Jessica said...

Aw, thanks for the encouraging comment, Niken! You always make me feel better! :) Yes, it is very annoying dealing with those people. I try to just walk away. It's hard though!

Haha, really?? I felt that test was pretty accurate. I was 89% introvert!!! lol

Kristin @ w/milk and sugar said...

Oh dear, what a tough place to be in. Praying for some sunshine and encouragement on this gray day. Also that you find some positive, God-centered friends. They will make a huge difference in lifting your spirits. Are there any churches with a large college / young adult group in your area? Even if you don't go for the weekend service, it may be a good place to meet other young, fun, encouraging people.

Lacey said...

Jessica! I totally understand how you feel. I have gone through some really hard struggles with this as well, especially when my sister (my best friend) got married a few years ago. I'm only 23, but I always thought I'd be married or at least close to marriage by now. But I'm not at all. I've never even had an official relationship with a guy. I have been blessed with one or two really amazing friends who I've been able to witness God in their lives. And it is so inspiring to me. As I've grown closer and more in love with God the past few months, being single just doesn't matter as much anymore. I mean, it still really matters because I still really want to get married, but I guess I have something more to live for now.

Anyway... just some thoughts :) I really hope things look up for you soon! I enjoy your blog and am glad we are following each other now :)

Niken said...

i think that's how we differ our real friends, isn't it? you deserve better. and don't think so little of yourself just because you haven't found someone yet and you don't do what others do.

yep, ISTJ. i'm an introvert too. if you met me like 5 years ago, i won't talk to you unless you talk to me first. hhaaaa

Linnea said...

Hey there,

I used to feel so lonely too and wonder if I'd ever get married. You just have to remember that God has a plan for you, and it's prob not the one you had/have planned. This have worked out different but so much better than I ever imagined. I didn't get married till I was 28,and used to feel so "old" and like I should've been married way before then. It just wasn't in my plan. Keep your head high, your time will come! :)

Jessica said...

That is so nice! Thank you. I really needed to hear that!

Haha, I am the exact same way! I am glad we have both come out of our shell some. But it is sometimes definitely nice to have a little solitude! :)

Jessica said...

Thanks so much, Kristin! I have been visiting churches for a while now, I just haven't really gotten plugged in anywhere yet. I know that will be the best place to meet other young people! I think it will make a big difference. I could really use that encouragement in my life right now. It was actually one of my goals of 2013 to finally join a church! haha. I shouldn't be so negative about it, considering that is really only something I can do. I am shy when it comes to meeting people, but I will never make any changes if I don't put myself out there!! Thanks for the advice! :)

Jessica said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Lacey! I know it is unfortunate for us to both be in the same boat, but it is so encouraging to know there is another person with these feelings! I have never had an official relationship either and people actually have made fun of me for that. I think I would be happier being single if the world didn't show it as such a bad thing. I know that it is this point in my life where I can focus on my relationship with God, and also becoming the woman that I want to be. I am going to try very hard to not be discouraged and to use this time as a chance to get closer to God. I know that in reality, that is the MOST important thing to do anyway.

Thank you so very much! I am so glad that we are following each other too. :)

Jessica said...

Thank you SO much for this encouragement! :) I know that God has a plan for me and I am looking forward to discovering it. Your story is wonderful and makes me hopeful for my future. God knows what He is doing and He knows what is best for us. I am so thankful to have such nice bloggy friends to offer these kind words! I am feeling so much more positive today. :)

studiomaison said...

your honesty is brave and inspiring! Thank you for sharing and i'm sure things will look up :) no shame in having those days. I have an anxiety disorder and have a few of them.

Saralyn

www.studiomaisonblog.us

Jessica said...

Thank you for checking out my blog, Saralyn! Those days are hard, but it makes the positive days a lot brighter!! :) Thanks for the inspiration!

Veronica Joyce said...

Hi Jessica! I was in the same phase at one point. I was thinking, will I ever get married? Is there going to be someone who'd look at me and feel in his heart that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Sometimes, the thought of being alone scares a lot of us. But what i remember telling myself was, somewhere out there, someone is preparing himself for me. and that while waiting for him, i should prepare myself too. i even wrote a series about waiting on my blog. :)

without expecting anything, while i was having the time of life (enjoying with friends, working hard, serving in the church), he came. i'm 24 now and we both know we'll not be getting married anytime soon because we have to work hard in order to help our families then have a stable life of our own. and even with him by my side, i still get lonely sometimes. But i know that with HIM, the big guy up there, i'll be fine. you'll be fine too. and when you least expect it, your prince will come.

so, just enjoy and have so much fun while waiting! i know your story will unfold beautifully. keep us updated. :)

Jessica said...

Thank you so so much for your kind words! You have been very encouraging to me! :) I really would like to read the series you wrote!! I am so glad that you have found someone wonderful. I agree, I know that God always there, in the happy times and in the lonely times. He has a plan that is greater than mine...And I am excited to see His plan unfold.

Thanks again for the encouragement! :)

Kailey said...

Hello Jessica! I just found your darling blog. Your picture is lovely!

My bit of encouragement: just always look up. Never, ever, ever look down, or backwards, just always keep your head up and live everyday striving more to be like Christ. From the way you write, you already seem to be doing that. :) All of the the puzzle pieces will come together perfectly as long as your heart is completely in God's Hands. And hey, Princess Kate didn't marry until she was 28! ;)

Blessings!
Kailey

Jessica said...

I am so glad that you stumbled upon my blog, Kailey! Your blog is beautiful! :)

Thank you for your hopeful attitude! :) I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I am going to try very hard to stay positive and keep my head up. All of these kind comments have certainly put a smile on my face and have helped tremendously. And I hadn't even thought about Princess Kate, but that is exactly true! That makes me feel better.

Amy said...

::HUGS:: move down here and i will have you a solid 7 girlfriends who love Jesus and will encourage you! <3
I've been there...with crap friends, hating the fact that there isn't a ring on my finger, not knowing WHAT i want to do for the rest of my life...it is overwhelming and distracting and completely depressing...and that is exactly what satan wants it to be. He wants you disconnected and unhappy because then you aren't searching for the Joy that comes in the relationship with Jesus. <3
Girl you are not alone, at all. i promise you that.
We can email/skype/chat any time you would like! ::hugs::

Jessica said...

Aw, Amy! Thank you so much! I wish we lived closer...we'd be hanging out all the time!! lol. I know, you are exactly right. Satan wants us to be distracted so that we get our priorities all mixed up and it makes us sad all the time. I can assure you that I am feeling MUCH better now. I just have lows where I get so depressed...like everything just hits at once. I may not have many Christian friends here, but it's so nice to know that I have some through blogger!! :)

Key said...

I kinda understand you..Sometimes I have these "I am good for nothing" days, but you have to hope it will become better :-)